There is a before and after a lot of times in our lives. Changes we notice and can point out after they have happened. Think about it, you will probably remember tons of breaking points. More or less important, more or less crucial to how they turned your life around and changed us.
We tend not to see changes until a while after they occur. Probably because we are so busy in that moment experiencing what ever is happening. It’s like climbing that steep mountain and all you see is the mountain wall and it looks all the same, each step is as hard to take and you don’t feel any relief in your struggle.
At one point you stop, out of exhaustion or just to catch your breath, turn around, and there it is. The view from above the point you started, you see how far you’ve come. The breathtaking experience of accomplishment.
Yesterday I went to the movies with a dear friend and we saw the german film Toni Erdmann. Don’t miss out on that one. Its the most brilliant creation I’ve seen to describe the importance sometimes just standing still in the moment. The film doesn’t compare to anything we have ever seen on a screen before.
While talking with my friend about this and that I realised that I am experiencing something extraordinary right now. I am in the moment Before and I don’t have a clue abaut the After.
My agenda is clean empty from 2 november, exhibitions and parties and meeting up with friends and going to the opera and …… It is like my life is on hold. I do not know what will happen in the After. You try that thought. A blank tomorrow. How exhilarating and how utterly frightening.
This morning I had a sort of revelation. I have been in this situation before. Just once. That clear line between before and after where the after has been so blank and profoundly unknown.
When being pregnant with my firstborn. When there are hopes and dreams and expectations and questions and fears. And love. All that and still a blank After because one still can not imagine what the After will be like.